JUNE 15, 2019: More To Life Than a 9 to 5
One... two.... three, let me breathe.
Four... five...six, is this not bliss?
Seven...eight...nine, let me shine.
Caught in a mental daze, I looked around the rambunctious Glendale middle-class home.
Shadows filled the kitchen and carpet living room floors.
Different hard liquor bottles filled the kitchen countertop, crumbs scattered throughout the long table, and highlighter green solo cups fit like a puzzle on the crowded countertop.
"Am I really happy in my life right now?", I repeatedly asked myself.
I knew the answer.
No, I am not happy with my life right now.
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| Chili in a crockpot at the Glendale house party, June 13, 2019. |
******The Mental Daze*******
Often, I think about the community I grew up in and the challenges I had to face as a Chicanx.
The noises of police car sirens, drugs, and consistent apartment hunting were all normalized.
I remember not flinching when the police would knock on our door and tell us my brother had been behind the city bars once again.
It's interesting to think also that I always saw men physically fight with each other in my life.
Toxic masculinity at it's finest.
If I heard an altercation begin outside the apartment door and a huge bang following the screams, I knew it had to be my brother and my sister's husband going at it again.
These altercations became an open invitation for police to come by our community and I learned something from all of this.
I never let a man try to manipulate my being.
One afternoon, an older male neighbor tried to steal the few dollars I had to my name. He threatened to have people come after me if I didn't give him the dollar bills.
Well, the scare tactic didn't fly with me and I threw a threat back to him.
As a 6-year-old, the police seem to be good people. In my adolescent mind, the police restored order. Obviously, as you grow older you know the whole "law and order" becomes a different meaning to the communities which are often targeted.
However, at the time of arguing with the older kid. I called the police and it resulted in him leaving me alone and the apartment complex labeling me as the "B****".
It's funny to think now how I was seen as a "B***" to older people.
Now, I just see it as a true accomplishment to not be seen as passive.
************
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| Stella napping on my bed, June 12, 2019. |
Reminisce of childhood moments in which I stood up for myself inspired me to make changes after the rowdy party.
I believe that the universe gives several signals which we tend to ignore or take for granted.
In all honesty, I ignored several red flags for a job I had been working for a long while. On a daily basis, I felt sad and repressed which became draining for me.
Certain dark thoughts began to circulate for me and the mental daze at the party had been my last straw.
So here I am, able to breathe after taking action.
I have the ability to hike and meditate on a daily.
I'm proud to say I love myself and letting go of opportunities that look good on a resume for self-sustainability is needed.
As Albert Hamond Jr. proudly states in his new song, "there is more to life than a 9 to 5".
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