APRIL 10, 2019: To All My Past Lovers

"The Fool" tarot card shared by
@thejessicadore

To All My Lovers 

For the individuals that introduced me to
heartbreaks and happiness.

By yours truly, Karla.








Wednesday morning drives are both deadly yet peaceful. 

The drive to the Santa Fe Springs in-home care agency is about a 40 minute commute from Long Beach.

I enjoy it because I listen to music and observe the distant nature the 605 freeway blocks. 

The snow caps on the northern mountains towards the valley remind me of the pureness of nature and the stability of it (other than the global warming outcomes but besides that point). Nature tends to hold it's form. For example, after treacherous fires, rebirth occurs. New land appears over the burnt area and Nature begins to forgive the subject of cause. Then, life forms again in the area as if nothing went wrong.

It's amazing. 

Forgiveness is definitely an ongoing thought which circulates my mind. 

I think a lot about past lovers. To the point that someone might say it's "obsessive" but it's unintentional. 

My mind just spurs into thoughts and those thoughts usually pertain to a past lover. 

"The Fool" tarot card analysis by @thejessicadore.
Card pictured above. 

On this Wednesday morning drive, as the sun started to take full form and the freeway ramp became crowded. 

A song playing in the four door Fiat rang in my ears:

"I spent like a year and a half on the Greyhound bus
On the way to see this girl
Take a flight back just to keep my job
Used to fly standby, late to the airport
Where the buddy pass? Stuck in the traffic"

- Brockhampton, "Stains" 

The details of every lover still remain with me as if I were with them still. It was a dreadful thing for the longest time but i'm slowly realizing that it's rather the opposite. 

I find joy in remembering the details of a person and their interaction with me. 

Therefore, to all my lovers, i'd like to say "thank you". 

You made the memories I can reminisce on.

For both the good and bad. 

If they (any of my past lovers) ever do stumble across this post, great. If they don't, great. 

Today, I don't talk to any of them because I choose not to at all.


It's been almost a year of progress in trying not to have any connection with any of them. But, as of lately I can say it's been not even a week that I haven't talked to one of them.

Although, the recent text exchange between past lover #1 and I was closure. 

Past lover #1 finds themselves in a relationship that they seem to be unsure of in my opinion. I can tell by the way they reach out to me. 

However, I respect their partner and don't plan on replying or reaching out this person because the intentions don't seem right. 

Past lover #1 was the first i'd say longest unofficial partner relationship I've had and it's the most confusing thing to me to this day. 

So to end this lengthy subject to which I can talk about for days on a sweet note.


To all my past lovers, here are the memories I attach you to: 







For past lover #1: 

• I'll remember the times I made Greyhound trips from San Francisco to LA to see past lover #1 and the anxious feeling around the whole trip. 

• I'll remember the cheeky Snapchat photos and video clips we would send to communicate for the first year of long distance.

• I'll remember the time they said "I love you" and how I didn't say it back. 

• I'll remember seeing the change over the next two years after the first year of communication. The downfall of it all. 

• I'll remember hearing the news of their partner after the day I've seen them in the late night. 

• I'll remember all of it.

For past lover #2:

• I'll remember the times I worked with this person on Fisherman's Warf at Ripley's Believe It or Not.

• I'll remember meeting this lovers friends in Oakland at an underground rap show.

• I'll remember the arguments in my dorm about the spare time I had and how I spent it. 

• I'll remember meeting the mother of this lover and the hints of matrimony. 

• I'll remember the time I was on the L train with this lover and how they met my mother over the phone. 

• I'll remember the unnecessary flowers this lover sent to my aunts house in Whittier after notifying them of our end to the unofficial partnership. 

For past lover #3:

• I'll remember meeting you at the cafe in Uptown Whittier.

• I'll remember the first date, where my favorite and only dog died from a car running over it. 

• I'll remember the time you got mad at me for misplacing your grandfathers ring unintentionally before our visit to the arcade. 

• I'll remember the time we shared "I love you" for the first time in the car late at night. 

• I'll remember the family events and the love your family gave me in the times I needed it the most. 

• I'll remember the time you bought me flowers after my hour flight from San Francisco to LA and the sweet kiss we shared. 

For past lover #4: 

• I'll remember the time we shared coffee at a local cafe with parrots around. 

• I'll remember the angst texts you shared with me late at night. 

• I'll remember the spontaneous night where you took me to see Tiger Army at Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco. 

• I'll remember the day you introduced me to your UC San Francisco friends. 

• I'll remember the day I had to leave you alone because you hurt me in a way that i'm still trying to heal from. The part I remember is your constant reassurance of "love" when in reality it wasn't love what you did. 

For past lover #5:

• I'll remember the night we met at your shared apartment in Long Beach on Cherry St. 

• I'll remember the conversations in bed we would have and the connections we built from similar experiences. 

• I'll remember the day I ran to you late at night on the streets of Long Beach to comfort you when paranoia hit you on the drive to my house. 

• I'll remember the days we cooked with each other and enjoyed each others company in the summer days. 

• I'll remember the abrupt decline of our friendship and relationship. 

For future lover:

• I'll restore the meaning of "love" for you even if I deny that I ever will love again but I will. 

• I'll heal with you because healing is a process of life.

• I'll cherish every memory with you and loathe in them.

• I'll be open to you because communication is hard for me to do without using a computer or pen and paper.

"I spent like a year and a half feeling sorry for myself
'Cause I thought love ain't make sense anymore"

- Brockhampton, "Stains"