FEB 22, 2019: Thriving yet barely surviving

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@thejessicadore's reading: "Sometimes what feels like
self-sabotage is actually a covert soul operation designed
destroy what's not for you. Leave room for mystery 
and shadow. Know that you don't always want
the things that you think you want. Give thanks
when a wrong things falls apart."

Thriving yet barely surviving.



The power of the mind, and the 'teeter totter' of the soul. 

By yours truly, Karla.


















"if you are ruled by mind you are a king; if by body, a slave"


- Cato the Elder 




 Yes, the mind is power.
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Blog Post drafted on Feb. 08, 2019: 

To dictate if this power is for good or bad, you need to look at certain factors: the thoughts circulating in your mind,  and the current perception of your life. 

Reflecting on these power of defining factors has created a conflict with my interaction with people. I have a huge issue and personal dilemma with people asking me, "How are you?". 

Usually, it takes a minute for a direct answer to trickle out of my lips. 

But even then, I question the answer right after I respond.

"Do I really R E A L L Y feel this way?" 

 I ask myself.


Just recently, a wave of sadness built up into my soul.

Graduation in three months, a loss of a co-worker, and past sexual assault traumas circulate in the overworking mind of mine. 


The twist on this emotional rollercoaster is that I also am content with my life right now. I have people that surround me with positive energy which is soothing and reassuring and for that, I'm so grateful. 

So, I DESPISE answering to the question of my current state of mind, body, and soul. 

But, it doesn't mean that I'm opposed to people asking me. 


------------
RESPONSE 
The issue I have with myself is being vulnerable and "transparent".

To this day, I have a hard time communicating about my feelings and mind which ruins friendships and relationships for me.

This past month, as I tried to compose myself into getting back on my feet emotionally and mentally. Coworkers, friends, and family repeatedly wondered why I was isolating myself or being "standoffish". 

To some extent, it annoyed me. 

But, they were right. I needed to be vulnerable and embrace it. 

So here I am, responding to the blog post I drafted on February 8, 2019 (orange text). Since I did exactly what I was doing with everyone in not posting it. 

I was and I am avoiding myself.

To be honest, I currently feel sad, confused, and heartbroken with no recollection of why. 

I just feel it in my gut and I think it's valid to feel this way with no reason. 




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