OCT. 26, 2018: Anger

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Why am I full of anger?
Dwayne the cat, 2017.

 A whole lot of self-reflection. 




 By yours truly, Karla.






On Thursday, October 25th, I stepped into an ll:30 a.m. class with a cloudy mind. I knew there and then that I was unable to present a 40 min group presentation about the California S.B. 1186 bill. 

Twenty minutes later, I experienced a panic attack in front of a class for the second time in my life. 

It had been the previous class, reporting with the university's newspaper, that had shaken me to the core. The university's police department commander in chief was a guest in our class to discuss the Clery report and steps taken into counting the number of reports for crimes on-campus. Sexual assault conviction had been extensively talked about by the commander in chief and surrounding classmates during the class time period. 

The topic of sexual assault had always been a delicate one for me to process.
Usually, my posture gets tense and the thoughts that circulate my mind are dark and overwhelming. 

Although, it was different this time around.

A year ago on October 29th, I had been a part of a situation which spiked my anxiety. It threw my body and soul down a rabbit hole of depression. 

Now, I look at photos from November 2017 to present day and clearly see the effects of anxiety and insomnia on my physical well-being.

Although I'll be discussing the event briefly in this blog post, I'm not going to discuss the details of the event. The time is not right for me still. 

However, I'll be talking about the emotions felt toward the event and the other person involved in it. 

Dwayne the cat, 2018.

As my hands shook holding the notes for the California S.B. 1186 bill presentation, I knew anger still lived in me from the event on Oct. 29, 2017. 
My breath that left from my lips quivered in front of the class of 20 people and I felt trapped.

The thoughts running from the back of my mind to the front: 

If I didn't catch the flight up north, you wouldn't have existed. 

I am angry.

I was unable to move. 

Everything was dark as your shadow by the door frame. 

Alcohol surrounded the surface of my veins as it did with the smell of your breath.

I am angry. 

Why is my body laying there doing nothing?

Glimpses of you hurt the most but I couldn't do anything.

Light woke me up and so did the ripped belt. 

You lied I thought. 

Where is the love you repeatedly said? 

Why didn't you stay outside when you promised you would?

I am angry. 




Update: I can't find words to talk about this incident more. I'll leave this blog post as it is and won't touch it. Hopefully, I can revisit in the future. 





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